


hold me until I feel it

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Detroit Evolution - Fandom, Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Upgraded Connor | RK900, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Gavin Reed Not Being an Asshole, Gavin Reed is Bad at Feelings, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Soft Gavin Reed, Soft Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed, Songfic, Supportive Gavin Reed, Supportive Upgraded Connor | RK900, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has Feelings, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Needs a Hug, Upgraded Connor | RK900 and Gavin Reed Live Together, basically this is Reed900 being supportive boyfriends, but you don't need to know the song to get the fic, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26653417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Gavin and Nines are the best boyfriends to each other. Or, Gavin is upset with himself for snapping at Nines when he's in a bad place mentally, and Nines is upset with himself for being asexual, and they both get the comfort they deserve.Technically a songfic to You Say by Lauren Daigle.Contains talk of self-hatred and brief internalized acephobia.
Relationships: Chris Miller & Gavin Reed, Tina Chen & Chris Miller & Gavin Reed, Tina Chen & Gavin Reed, Tina Chen & Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 6
Kudos: 115





	1. Gavin

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is my second Reed900 fic, and my first time angsting the boys. I hope you like it! Warnings for talk of self-hatred and brief internalized acephobia. Technically a songfic to You Say by Lauren Daigle, but in my opinion, it can be read without any knowledge of the song. This is split into two chapters - one for Gavin h/c and one for Nines h/c.
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

It didn’t take much. 

This was a sad truth but a truth nonetheless. It didn’t take much for Gavin to lose himself in the spiral of self-loathing he knew like the back of his hand. It could be something small, something so insignificant that it was barely a blip on anyone else’s radar; screwing up at work, burning his fingers on the coffee machine, or recently, snapping at Nines. 

It was the latter that day and Gavin felt the self-hatred burning like a fire in his gut, his own thoughts stoking the flames until Gavin wasn’t sure he could stop himself from falling into the inferno that blazed mercilessly. 

Nines noticed, of course he did, but Gavin wasn’t going to give in this time. He wasn’t going to admit to his wonderful, perfect, amazing boyfriend that something he’d already brushed off was haunting his thoughts and making him feel sick to his stomach. He was already fucked up enough as it was; every day that Nines stayed tipped Gavin’s world on its axis a little bit more, and he was surprised the Earth wasn’t completely upside down by now. 

He muddled through the work day, for once glad that it was just paperwork and bureaucracy. He didn’t think he could handle seeing a dead body, especially that of an android. He and Nines were almost officially the second Android Crimes unit; they’d taken on much of Hank and Connor’s workload since the Revolution. He knew that Fowler wouldn’t give them the title just yet, though, if ever - he wanted them working human homicides, as well. 

But Gavin knew that the probability of seeing the corpse of a dead android would have been very high, had they been on the job today. Usually, it was easier working to solve a crime than dealing with corporate red tape that made Gavin want to claw his own eyes out. 

Not today. 

Today, Gavin was grateful for the mind-numbing task, grateful to have something that he could focus on that didn’t revolve around the cruelty of the human race, the android boyfriend he had hurt so much and was still afraid would be hurt even more, both by him and the rest of the world, or his own debilitating sense of self-loathing. 

By the time the end of the day rolled around, Gavin was exhausted and all he wanted was to go home and just fucking _sleep_. His mind whispered, rightfully so, that he couldn’t. That he’d have nightmares and wake up screaming if he tried. He knew it was right. But _fuck_ , he was so tired. He half-felt like if he closed his eyes right then, he might never open them again. It wasn’t an entirely unpleasant thought. 

Nines slid into the passenger seat of Gavin’s car without a word, and Gavin felt an overwhelming sense of relief. At least their routine wasn’t interrupted because he had gone radio silent all day. He could count on this.

Ever since Gavin learned that Nines was living at the police station, going into stasis at the android parking stations, he had invited Nines to live with him. Nines had tried to insist that he was an android, he didn’t need to sleep, and he could go into stasis anywhere, but Gavin refused to drop the issue until Nines surrendered. 

For the most part, it was wonderful. Gavin never thought he’d get the chance to have something like this, and he cherished every moment he got to spend with the android who’d changed his life so much. 

Other times, though, their arrangement made Gavin’s heart race and his throat close up with the knowledge that someone else would be present to watch his spiral, to watch the chaos that would ensue and the inevitable breakdown it would result in. 

It was times like these with Nines casting not-so-subtle looks in Gavin’s direction, when Gavin regretted his decision, if only so the android didn’t have to witness his human counterpart collapsing and breaking and being messily & horribly _human_. 

Even after so much time had passed, even when Gavin felt tentatively secure in his relationship with Nines, Gavin still felt shame curl tightly in his gut, threatening to choke him. There was a time when he wouldn’t have dared to let anyone see this side of him. It was terrifying. 

The pair didn’t say a word during the 15-minute drive to Gavin’s. Gavin snuck a glance at Nines out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t _look_ mad, but Gavin knew appearances could be deceiving. He pulled into the garage below his apartment and threw the car in park, stumbling out of it with even less grace than usual. He cursed himself, tripping over the door and nearly faceplanting into the asphalt. 

Nines tried to hide the little chuckle that escaped him at the sight, and Gavin felt the corners of his lips twitching into a smile. It felt so foreign on his face that he didn’t know what to do with it. 

Gavin grabbed his car keys and locked the car, following Nines into the elevator. He punched the button for his floor, steadfastly avoiding Nines’ inquisitive gaze. He knew what Nines wanted to know, knew that the android wanted an explanation, but Gavin wasn’t sure he could give him one. He was no longer upset about what had originally caused him to spiral, but so many different things were swirling like dark matter in his mind that trying to pinpoint any one of them was like trying to figure out where a whirlpool started and ended. It was impossible. 

The elevator clanged to a halt and he & Nines clambered out of it, heading for 214. Gavin shoved his key into the lock and shouldered the door open for Nines. His stomach twisted with nerves, and he wrung his hands together anxiously after dumping his keys into the glass bowl in the lobby. 

To Gavin’s surprise, Nines didn’t ask him to talk about it or take a guess as to what was wrong. Instead, he strode forward and embraced Gavin, long and hard. 

Gavin exhaled shakily against Nines’ shoulder, winding his arms around the android’s waist when he realised what was happening. The tension began to bleed out of his neck, his spine, his stiff, tense shoulders - Gavin blinked furiously and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall at Nines’ easy show of affection. 

Gavin wasn’t an easy person to handle; he knew that. Few people could deal with someone like him, and those that could would never see him at his worst. But Nines?

Nines had seen _everything._ He had seen everything and he still stayed.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Nines spoke softly, his breath a mere tickle against Gavin’s left ear, “but you are more than enough, Gavin. I love you for who you are. You’ve done nothing wrong and you have o reason for shame. There will never come a day when I don’t love everything that you are. There will never come a day when I mourn for the things that you are not. I love you as you are, as you will be, and as you were.” 

Gavin choked on a sob as Nines’ words washed over him and the lyrics of a song he had listened to when he was a child came floating back to him without warning. 

_I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough_

_Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up._

Nines, as if reading Gavin’s thoughts, pressed a light, feather-soft kiss to his temple and said, “You’re Gavin. That’s enough. You’re all I could ever want or need.”

Gavin lost the battle against his tears and let a few slip past his eyelids, staining the material of Nines’ teal shirt dark blue. He huffed out a laugh at the situation - if someone would’ve told him a year ago that he’d be standing here and crying into an android’s shoulder, he would’ve said they were crazy - and it came out as a wet, pained gasp that made Nines reach up and soothe gentle fingers through Gavin’s hair. 

_You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing_

“I love you, Gavin.”

_You say I am strong when I think I am weak_

“You’re the strongest person I know.”

_And you say I am held when I am falling short_

“I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

_And when I don’t belong, oh, you say I am yours_

“You’re mine - my boyfriend, my best friend, my companion. You chose me. That’s all I could ever ask for. You are _my_ Gavin, and I love you.”

_And I believe._

_Oh, I believe._

_What you say of me,_

_I believe._

Gavin curled his hands around Nines’ waist and inhaled Nines’ scent of vanilla and pine needles, memorizing every fold and plane of his body. This was the man who had given Gavin back so much of himself. This was the man that had taught Gavin how to love, that he _could_ love, that he didn’t destroy everything he touched. 

This was Nines, and Nines loved him, and maybe that could be enough. 


	2. Nines

“Tina, she’s only gone for three days,” Gavin said, rolling his eyes. “You’ll be alright.”

Tina huffed, picking at the paper surrounding her coffee cup. “Yeah, well, I _miss_ her.” She groaned dramatically and succeeded in pulling the paper off, crumpling it into a little ball. “Video calling just isn’t the same.”

“In other words, you can’t have sex with a video call,” Chris said, grinning. 

Tina sputtered indignantly, but Nines could see her trying not to smile. “Oh, please!”

“Yeah, I bet that’s what you’re missin’ gettin’ to say,” Gavin teased, smirking at her. 

“Ugh, you guys are the worst!” Tina declared, standing up to throw the paper ball into the trash bin. “Does anybody want more coffee?”

Gavin opened his mouth to reply, but she cut him off with a stern look. “No, Gav. You’ve already had six cups today.”

“Actually, eight, if you count the two he had on the way to work,” Nines chimed in helpfully. Gavin glared at him, and he gave his partner what he hoped was an impish smile in return. 

Tina rolled her eyes at them and walked off to get her much-more-acceptable third cup of the day, leaving Chris, Gavin, and Nines to talk amongst themselves. 

“Do you always speak so freely about your sex life?” Nines asked curiously. “Tina did not seem bothered by it, but I have sensed that many other humans feel embarrassed talking about intercourse.” Gavin choked on his coffee, and Nines patted his back absentmindedly, eager to hear the answer to his question.

Chris gave Nines an indulgent smile and said, “Sure, why not? I mean, I can understand why some people might find it uncomfortable to talk about, but we’ve been friends for a long time. Tina’s not shy and neither are Gavin and I.” 

Tina slid into her seat, holding a steaming cup of coffee from the break room in one hand. “What’re you saying about me?”

“Just that we’re very open about our sex lives,” Gavin answered, smiling warmly in Nines’ direction. “Nines was curious.”

“Oh.” She picked up the coffee cup and took a drink, wincing as the hot liquid burned her tongue. “We all talk about sex,” she told Nines. “It’s not a taboo subject among certain friend groups. It tends to make the general population uncomfortable, though.”

Nines laughed. “Somehow, I don’t think our group quite qualifies as part of the ‘general population.’”

“You got that right,” Chris said. He raised his own coffee cup in a poor imitation of a toast. “To existing separately from the general population!”

Gavin chuckled and knocked his cup with Chris’s. “To bein' a bunch of fuckin’ weirdos.”

“To being us,” Tina added. 

Everyone looked at Nines expectantly, and he gestured at the empty space in front of him. “I don’t have any coffee.”

“Just pretend you do, tin can,” Gavin said, rolling his eyes. 

Nines made a rude sound in the back of his throat in response to his partner’s mockery, but nevertheless raised his hands like the rest of them were and said, “To being very outside of societal norms.”

“Cheers!” The others exclaimed, knocking their cups together. Nines watched on in fascination. The strange traditions of humans would never cease to amaze him, and he loved being allowed to be a part of one. It made him feel more human, less...out of place. Like he didn’t belong or he wasn’t welcome. It was a sentiment that he experienced quite a bit at the DPD, but never within his group of friends. For that, he was grateful. 

“So what are you and Val up to lately, anyway?” Chris asked, waggling his eyebrows at Tina in a way that made her laugh. 

“Not much,” Tina replied. “Same old, same old. We haven’t discovered any new kinks lately. I think we’re both pretty comfortable with sticking to what we’ve done in the past for now.”

“Bo-oring,” Chris complained. He rounded on Gavin and tipped his coffee cup in Gavin’s direction like a microphone. “What about you, Reed?” His smile included Nines, but Nines’s sensors still played a staticky tune on his skin at the question. Tina gave him a critical look, and Nines knew that his LED must have circled red once or twice.

He wondered how Gavin would answer. Tina and Chris knew about their relationship, had known since their very first kiss in the police station nearly a year ago, but somehow the topic of Gavin and Nines’ sex life had never come up. Nines was content to leave it that way, but apparently the universe had other plans. 

“C’mon,” Chris groaned. He was still grinning in Gavin and Nines’ direction, oblivious to the tension crackling beneath Nines’ skin and the frown lines that had appeared on Gavin’s face. Tina placed her hand on Chris’s arm, communicating silently to him that he’d clearly touched a nerve. 

Nines’ synthskin felt prickly and wrong, and he knew that his LED was flickering red, so he stood up and left the table, mumbling a quick excuse to his friends before walking towards the men’s restrooms as fast as he could. He wanted out, he wanted away from the conversation and the reality that he and Gavin didn’t _have_ a sex life to share, and that was his fault, all his fault - 

Nines burst into the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a bang. He stood over the sinks, his processors whirring rapidly to keep up with his erratic thoughts. He knew it shouldn’t affect him so much. He should have just told Chris that they weren’t having sex. He should have told Chris and Tina that he was asexual; it wasn’t like they wouldn’t understand. He knew that Tina and Chris were both allies as well as LGBT+ themselves. There was no danger in telling them, and it wasn’t like he wanted his sexuality to be a secret. But the thought of coming out to someone else was too big, too scary, and Nines was afraid of it. He didn’t want to do it yet, he wasn’t ready, he _couldn’t_ , he, he - 

Nines sucked in a deep, unnecessary breath and tried to calm down. His synthskin was flickering in and out of existence, and he knew his system would collapse and force him into stasis if he kept this up much longer. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to think of things that were familiar and comfortable to him, things like solving cases and Cinna, Gavin’s cat, and hearing Connor yell at Hank from across the bullpen to watch his cholesterol. He thought of Gavin and the way the man talked endlessly when he was bored or excited about something. 

As if on cue, the door to the bathroom creaked and Nines’ eyes flew open, his processors spinning immediately to identify the intruder. He relaxed when his system recognised Gavin. 

“Hey, Nines, you okay?” Gavin asked, as straightforward and unapologetic as usual. It made Nines smile.

“No, not really,” Nines said with a sigh. Gavin stepped closer and Nines allowed himself to follow the human’s movements until there were only a few inches of space between them. 

“What is it?” Gavin asked, reaching out to embrace Nines. “Was it Chris’s questions, ‘cause that’s just Chris, he didn’t mean anything by it - ”

“No, I know,” Nines cut him off. “It’s just - well - Gavin, we don’t _have_ a sex life.”

Gavin chuckled. “Yeah, tin can, I’m aware.” He had begun to trace little circles on Nines’ side, and it made Nines feel calmer, more in control, like everything was not so big and insurmountable. 

“But - But that’s just it,” Nines said softly. “We don’t have anything to share with them, and that’s my fault, Gavin. I-I am the reason that you don’t experience what you would with a different partner.”

“Hey,” Gavin said firmly. One hand came up to rest against the back of Nines’ neck, providing the android with a comforting sort of pressure. “I don’t _care_ , Nines. I don’t need any of that.”

Nines exhaled shakily, dropping his forehead onto the human’s shoulder. “I know, Gavin, but I can’t help but feel inadequate when faced with proof that you still experience attraction of the sexual kind, and I cannot satisfy that.”

Gavin pulled back to meet Nines’ ice-blue eyes, eyes that swirled with uncertainty and self-loathing. He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Nines’ mouth. “I love you the way you are, tin can. I would never want you to change yourself for me.”

Nines nodded minisculely. His mind was still swirling with doubt and he couldn’t help but feel he wasn’t _enough_ for Gavin. Gavin deserved someone that was, was _right_ and human and able to provide an outlet for all of his desires, not just the romantic or emotional ones. 

He remembered with startling clarity Gavin’s words the first time they had had this conversation on his balcony nearly a year ago:

_“You’ve been a whole person since the day you woke up.”_

Nines clung to the memory of his words, clutching the fabric of Gavin’s shirt in his fists. He wasn’t used to feeling things this intensely, but he knew that he wasn’t alone; Gavin would help him navigate the complicated realm of emotions until they made sense and Nines understood the vast world he’d been dropped into. 

A song filtered into Nines’ mind, his memory grabbing it from his system seemingly without reason. It was a song that Gavin hummed while he read or played with Cinna, and Nines didn’t think he’d ever heard the words, but somehow his memory had them saved.

_I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough_

_Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up._

Gavin, as though he had interfaced with Nines’ software, began to speak softly. “You are more than enough for me, Nines.”

Nines bit his artificial lip and pressed his face into the crook of Gavin’s neck. He couldn’t cry, but he thought that if he _could_ fabricate tears, he would be.

_You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing_

“I love you so much, Nines, ‘zactly the way you are.”

_You say I am strong when I think I am weak_

“C’mon, you’re the most advanced android ever made.” Gavin pitched his voice a few octaves lower and said, in a terrible impression of Nines, “I was made stronger, faster, and better than my predecessors.” Nines laughed softly, tightening the arms that were wrapped around his human’s waist. 

_And you say I am held when I am falling short_

“I’ve gotcha, tin can.”

_And when I don’t belong, oh, you say I am yours_

“You’re my Nines,” Gavin teased, kissing Nines’ cheek rather impishly. He smiled sadly. “You’re too good to me.” Nines started to protest, but Gavin shook his head, tousling Nines’ curls. “Jus’ listen. My life would be missing its biggest puzzle piece without you in it.” Nines sighed and nodded a little, letting Gavin’s words wash over him.

_And I believe,_

_Oh, I believe_

_What you say of me_

_I believe._

Nines inhaled the scent of Gavin’s coffee-stained leather jacket and let his boyfriend’s presence quiet his sensors and untangle the wires of conflicting emotions that were warring in his mind. He still didn’t feel like he was everything that he should be for Gavin, but Gavin said he was perfect the way he was. Nines had always trusted Gavin in the past. The human had never lied to him. 

Gavin loved him, and from the complex workings of his advanced mind to the tiny sensors in his artificial ankle joints, Nines knew that. 

Maybe Gavin’s words and the soft, steady pace of his breathing was enough. 

Maybe _he_ was enough, even if they would have to return to the table and tell Tina & Chris that Gavin would never have anything to share with them as long as he was with Nines.

Maybe that was okay. Maybe, Nines thought, his love was all that Gavin needed. 

That thought stilled the last anxious flutters of his thirium pump and Nines smiled at Gavin, kissing him soundly on the lips - a kiss that said spelt gratitude, love, and acquiescence all at once. 

“Let’s go back.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open! (I am now accepting DBH/DE & Shadowhunters prompts. Any ship is welcome!)


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